Strangers, strangers everywhere, and the dulcet tunes of The Weeknd in my ear: what a way to live.
Now that I have no way of actually speaking to you, let me speak to you. Let me talk to you for a little while. Why don’t you make yourself a cup of coffee – even though it makes you sick – and settle in. This might take a bit of time.
Understand that loneliness is not the absence of people. It is just absence. It is feeling like you have a pit where your stomach used to be, a well that keeps on sucking in any small moments of light and air that you might experience. Loneliness is greedy and it is selfish and it does not let up.
Relationships, especially modern long term relationships, are as difficult as they are gratifying. Yes, you get the fabulous experience of always having someone to rely on and talk to and what’s more, they’re yours and isn’t that great? But then there are more insidious effects: you become so used to talking to them and relying on them and being around them, that when it ends, you’re left standing, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Everyone feels this, and everyone pretends they didn’t. For a split second, life stops. I see you, you see me; we take in each other: eyelashes, sunshine like crystal shattered in our eyes, frozen dust motes suspended in the air around us.
Gabriel, 25, from Spain loves to read obscure German novels but Andrew, 24, from Canada writes complex and tragic haiku! However will you choose?
To you who doesn’t know how to love, and to you who effortlessly takes me for granted, oh, and to you who doesn’t even see me. To all of you, adieu.
Remember when I called you crying? And I said I’d had it: fuck the internship, fuck my degree, I’m coming home! You listened and then you told me to keep my head high. You told me I was better than the stupid anxiety, the isolation and the fear.
I had about 3 weeks left when it happened: I had an anxiety attack. You have to understand: I grew up with family and loving friends always around. I was used to sleeping next to and waking up with my sisters.
I collapsed while standing and couldn’t get out of bed for 3 days straight. My throat kept constricting, I couldn’t eat, and I threw up record amounts of pasty grey phlegm. There I was, utterly alone in my springy double bed, sedated with heavy painkillers, drifting in and out of miserable sleep at odd hours of the day.
But here’s what I wonder: why must you teach me sharp lessons? I thought love was like falling into each other softly, not smashing headfirst into steely concrete and splitting heads open. We’re bleeding all over the pavement, don’t you see?
i miss all the secret places i found;
you hid your scent in intricate hideaways
in the palm of your hand or the back of your ear
or, the triangle-hollow in your neck