1. Make up stays on permanently, and never runs. For normal women, getting drenched in a thunderstorm, water fight or sob fest inevitably leads to runny mascara, smudged lipstick and messy base, making them look just slightly less graceful than your everyday quality vampire. In Indian movies however, heroines do not go through this ordeal. Their make up stays perfectly perfect, and weathers all conditions.
2. The hero looks like your average guy who eats well, hits the gym a couple of times a week and shops, walks and talks like everyone else. But wait till you see him surrounded by 20 villains He then unleashes a hidden fury that defeats any adrenaline charge you’ve ever experienced and takes out the 20 thugs flat, in two minutes. Defying the laws of gravity and even time, he displays crazy tactics and martial arts moves you never knew he had!
3. You aren’t in love until you’ve imagined/sung a whole song together. True love in Indian films is directly proportional to the number of minutes spent in singing songs with your beloved in exotic locations and with bouncy flashy dance moves that would put street dancers to shame. Falling in love? Go sing a song, because sane declarations of love aren’t in style anymore.
4. Slapping scenes are repeated three times. This phenomenon occurs especially between women. When a girl loses her cool and decides to settle the score with an old school cat fight, the slap she deals is showed three times, in succession. Indian actors aren’t content with hitting just once. No sir, if you must slap, then slap thrice. Or don’t bother fighting.
5. Dramatic scenes are always accompanied by lightning, or bad weather. Having a beef with your mother-in-law, sister or friend? Shouting and screaming without abandon? Look no further, because intense lightning and wind are here to aid your dramatic outburst!
6. Speaking of beefs, in Indian movies, mother and daughter-in-law rivalry is stretched to unbelievable proportions. This rivalry doesn’t end in any normal ways; either someone is poisoned, shot, or drugged and lulled into a coma. So in the end, the poor son/husband trapped in the middle finally realizes what’s been happening, but by then, he’s already been made to swallow some mind addling drug, becomes certifiably insane and starts squawking like a chicken.
7. Songs express true love, but did you know? You can apparently sing on tops of buildings, under the sea or on snow covered mountains in the space of a minute. Indian movies show happy couples celebrating their love by showing off perfectly co-ordinated dance moves on top of skyscrapers. So in an average day, when you’re hanging out with your significant other, steal five minutes and run to the top of a building, and start dancing. Indian movie logic. Did you know? You can also be in the middle of ferocious snow slathered mountains, wearing nothing but a mini skirt and short top? The climate doesn’t affect you, since you’re in an Indian movie. So, its a fact. Women don’t need to wear sweaters. Go, be skimpy in the snow!
There we are. These are the seven interesting things I’ve learnt from old Indian movies. Gravity, temperature, time and good sense are all defied again and again, accompanied by the inevitable song in the background!
Indian films: Being Hard To Believe, Since 1931.