Emasculation and Derogation…Why Respect Can Never Be Overrated

I’ve seen so many couples. Teenagers in for a ‘fling’, couples struggling through their 10th anniversary, even couples who relished their 70th year together, and still found themselves wishing for more time.

And now I want to root out the rules for a successful relationship. I won’t pretend that I can even begin to understand a ‘serious’ adult relationship and all the issues that it faces. However, I have seen one marriage that quite frankly left a horrible impression on me: my parents’.

I’ve seen a lot of couples where the woman emphasizes that she wants control, again and again, like some sort of dominatrix Cat-Woman character who carries around a whip and manacles…ignore the scary eerily sexual image. I believe that both partners should possess an equal amount of control, naive as I might be. I also know that often this is not possible.

What I do know is however, that no one should fight for top position as it were, after a Darwin-esque manner. So, Rule Number One as I see it, is Respect.

Brace yourselves:

  • Don’t yell. Raising your voice unnecessarily causes a loss of respect.
  • Respect isn’t given or seized, it’s earned. Treat your partner like you want him to treat you.
  • I cannot stress this point enough: NO emasculation. This is obviously for girls/women. In any case of any situation, emasculation is not okay. It won’t get you an iota of respect, and once you step down this path, it can be hard to stop.
  • Absolutely never say ‘I told you so.’ This might be frustrating and sound impossible, but try to restrain yourself. Taunting and I told you so’s pave the way for drama and nastiness, but never respect.
  • Lastly, become a good listener. Never shoo away your partner when they need you, it’s just not wise. Listen calmly and sincerely, and instead of dispensing advice, just make the other person feel like they have a true listener in you.

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I have seen the worst example of a ruined marriage for some 12 years so far and I hope I never make the mistake with my own life. Therefore, rules should apply. And respect is underrated, I do believe.

 

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8 Comments Add yours

  1. K says:

    Respect is key. I also find respect in a relationship comes more easily when each person will assume the best of his or her partner. When we look at each other with love, assuming that each person in our life is doing the best he or she can, then we look with respect, admiration, and forgiveness instead of contempt, anger, and frustration. Nice post! 🙂

    1. Viva Violet says:

      I agree. Automatically assuming the worst of someone never leads to respect in return, rather unfriendliness and a reluctance to compromise. Very few people can actually see the silver lining as it is, though. Respect to the ones who can. For me, marriage was defined by Little Women, the book I’ve combed through a million times. It said that marriage requires much ‘forbearance, infinite patience and much love’. So true.

  2. Kozo says:

    Interesting post. I agree about the respect part. I’m curious what you mean by “emasculation.” Can you give some specific examples?

    1. Viva Violet says:

      Yes, I’ll tell you about the ones I’ve personally seen. Telling your husband/boyfriend to ‘man up’ in an unfair situation. Unless he’s abusive or really messed up, telling a guy who loves you to ‘man up’ unfairly is what I consider emasculation and verbal abuse.
      Moreover, if your guy is a sweet doting type, comparing him with other men is also emasculating. For example “My friends husband got her a diamond ring last month. What did you get me?” Or saying something like “That guy I know just bought his wife a new car. All you got me was this crap” and so on…
      I’ve seen too much of these taunts being directed to my dad growing up and it made me firmly decide to never nag, and especially never emasculate. You married a guy, so let him be a guy. Like that. Cheers 😀

      1. Kozo says:

        Oh, Thank you so much for these examples. I completely agree. I just had a commenter tell me to “grow up” and be a man on a post I published about Patriarchy. I am trying to be a better husband by becoming aware of how patriarchy affects my views and actions towards my wife. I completely agree that women shouldn’t emasculate men unless they deserve it.
        Thank you for taking the time to respond. You helped me out in ways you cannot imagine. {{{Hugs}}} Kozo

  3. Amen. Respect is key. I’ve been battling horrific postpartum depression, which has led to, until with the past month, awful arguments full of screaming (on my part from anger and frustration stemming from the PPD). I am not saying that my PPD is an excuse for my behavior. It is not, though it does explain why I was more prone to irrational anger. It was never aimed at my children. My children never saw my anger. I took it all out on my Mister. But, I have been working with a therapist to clear out some past issues that are taking up space that could be better utilized by my present day, not my past. My Mister and I have been communicating easier, and I’m just lucky enough that he’s awesome enough that he knew that it wasn’t exactly me screaming nonsense, and I am blessed that I was gifted with such an amazing partner who loved me enough to never give up on me or us. Very good post!!

    1. Viva Violet says:

      I agree! He must truly be amazing and love you to heaven ♡. However, it shows how success your communication and relationship with him is that he supported you through irrational anger and postpartum depression. That’s exactly what a good relationship should have. Both partners respect and love each other to the point where even if the other person slips up and makes mistakes, they should be fully supported. So it just goes to show how amazingly strong you’ve made your relationship and are able to be there for each other during hard times. Very lucky. I’m inspired 😀

      1. God knows I screamed at him many times during our fights to go to storage and get my suitcases or I was going to go there with a bolt cutter and do it myself…goodness knows he could have done so and I wouldn’t have been able to blame him once I cooled down, but to his credit, he never went to storage. I am very lucky to have such a persevering man as my husband. I am not a church person, or even much of a Judeo-Christian God person (I would describe myself as an eclectic pagan nature based believer, I do believe in a nameless, genderless higher power) but whatever had a hand in this beautiful world definitely chose the right man to stand by me. They knew, not what I wanted (black hair green eyes lmao), but they definitely knew what I needed: a black haired man with warm brown eyes, a heart of gold, whose heart and soul are a fortress strong enough to withstand my storms without the beacon light that guides me home even so much as flickering in the winds of my depression. I truly am blessed.

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