The following kernels of information might be disturbing, might be surprising, might be revealing. They might make you clap your hands in laughter, or rub them together as you conspire against me…nevertheless, these are the things about me nobody knows:
1. I CAN RAP. Yes, to look at me you wouldn’t think this was true for a second. I’m your all smiles, cheerful blogger girl with figurative flowers in her hair, the quintessential feminine child. However, I can belt out the likes of 50 Cent, Lil Wayne and Drake.
2. I’M ‘BLACK’ ON THE INSIDE. Talking to me, you’ll come across phrases such as ‘Girl whaat?!’, ‘Hold on just ONE minute there!’ and ‘Uh huh, she did NOT just give me the finger!’ I would give anything to have been born black, sensual, warm, the ultimate nourishing comforting woman.
3. I DREAM OF NANNIES, IN GEORGIA. Okay, this is purely tongue in cheek, but one of my wishes is to somehow have been raised by a black nanny in the south. All the literature points to the fact that black nannies were, the most comfortable, warm, loving souls alive. I wish for a time machine so I could go back and be raised to be a part of them. The Secret Life of Bees and The Help are two books that have reinforced this wish.
4. PIERCING MY NAVEL…I’m the golden child. I listen to my parents, obey commands and eat my broccoli. But if I could have anything, it would be a pierced navel. A tiny glittering star. If my family were to read this, they would never believe it, because I have never cut my hair rebelliously, run away from home or partied. Rebellion is as alien to me as honesty is to politics.
5. I CAN IMITATE ACCENTS. In fact, I love doing it. I’m Chinese one day, Mexican another. I can imitate the British, the Spanish, the American, the Japanese, the Russian, the Italian and the French. Slipping in and out of accents is my hobby, and I’m seriously considering making a stage debut soon…
6. I’M A CANCER, YOU BETTER NOT BE A LIBRA. Yes, I believe in zodiac signs, ruthlessly aquaint myself with their quirks, perks and grievances. No it doesn’t make me narrow minded, or judgy. On the other hand, I never seem to get along with Libras.
7. IS THAT A HEAVING BODICE ON THE COVER? Okay, I’ve spent 13 years studying literature. I’ve read the likes of Hardy, Austen and Dickens. I’m well versed in free verse. However, I do enjoy a torrid romance now and then. I mean, what’s not to love about 27 year old successful businessmen who have a penchant for 18 year old slender girls with hair like spun gold? Moving on…
8. JUST CALL ME MA’AM. Despite my fear of complimenting myself, and my stagefright, I dream of owning a multi-million rich business one day. All my dreams spiral towards a high rise glinting in the sun, with 70 floors and my own coffee maker. A plusy office with a teak desk flown in from Sweden and carpets from Morocco.
Yes, I am strange. With strange secrets.