The Pessimist’s Quick Guide To Death

Basically, if you’re a pessimist, here are the things that can kill you on a day to day basis. Go ahead, you’re too depressed to look away anyway.

1. Other people. So, I mean why make the effort to talk to anyone really? People are strange beings, so different from each other and yet the same. They live in these illusions where they choose to ignore the inevitability of death, global warming and sticky orange fungus on the walls. No one is unique, you definitely aren’t. So why exist in a mindless vortex of random relationships? Better to cut off completely and get a pet rock.

 2. Books. What do books have? Yards of paper with sharp edges just begging to give you paper cuts? And meaningless words forming dyslexic patterns in your head. Your parents told you reading would make you smarter. What they didn’t tell you was that it will eventually kill you. You will absorb ideas of suicide and depression and end up staring in a mirror cursing the day you decided to wear bright pink lipstick. The books are to blame.

3. Nature. Fresh air and exercise? It’s all for the weak. Why go outside when you can sit comfortably inside and think about death? Must you have birds swooping on you and pecking out your eyes? Or insects hiding and laying eggs in your ears so you end up with a brain full of maggots? And the sun, it gives you skin cancer and blisters. Nature is definitely out to get you, and sunblock is not your friend.

4. Education. So you have a teacher with a toupee and shifty glasses trying to tell you who Jane Austen was? Big deal, everybody knows. What they don’t teach you in school and college is how educating yourself will actually kill you. I mean, Suicide 101. Education will lead you to research, and while you’ll pretend to be searching for the connection between carpets and golf carts, you’ll actually be looking for the right mixture of pills and powders. Plus, education just gives you a bad attitude. Leave it alone.

5. Food. Anything and everything you eat ends up harming you one way or another, doesn’t it? You’ll want to eat broccoli thinking it’s healthy and whatnot, only to ignore the fact that it lays seeds in your stomach and before you know it, you have green blood oozing through your veins. You think sugar is bad for you? Well so is wheat. So is fiber. All the creepy complex connections between food and digestion and glucose will end up in your death, and it won’t be pretty. Why eat?

6. Breathing. Of course, isn’t death inevitable? So why breathe at all? You know you’re going to die at some point, why make the effort to live? Everything around you is hell bent on killing you anyway, might as well speed it along by not inhaling oxygen.

 

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4 Comments Add yours

  1. Neon Fish says:

    Hey, I nominated you for the Dragon’s Loyalty Award … go to my recent post Yay, A New Blog Award to see how it works:)

  2. coleman3442 says:

    This is exactly why I became a post-op cyborg.

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