Boy, Bye (OK, Not Quite)

Break ups are unpleasant. Period.

I remember thinking the weirdest things like: I’ll never be loved again, I’ll never have a person to talk to 24/7 and no one will pick up my bags when I shop. It’s important, okay?

What I thought would mess me up most was not having someone who’d notice the smallest details. I thought no one would notice if I wore fresh lipstick or styled my hair a different way or wore new shoes. It sounds pretty ridiculous in hindsight, but I legitimately thought this would be highly problematic.

I’m an idiot and I don’t mind admitting it.

What I should have been thinking about is this: who will notice what I think when I think it? I got so used to being around someone who picked up on the tiniest eyebrow flick, the most minute smile and the subtlest of subtle eye-rolls.

I’m a private person and no one believes me. Because I can be loud and cheerful and excited, it’s assumed I don’t have depth.

All my thoughts and feelings were housed in one person. He could tell which one was running through my mind at any given moment. Yes, it doesn’t sound terribly exciting or dramatic, but trust me when I say it was unbeatable.

Most of all, I knew that nothing I could ever say would be judged, scrutinised or patronised. I knew I could call or text or meet my person at any random moment, and he would be just as eager to see me as I him. There was never a hot-and-cold phase. There were no issues. Well, you know, until there were.

And that’s what drives me crazy. I let go so fast; I obviously didn’t want the happy ending either. It’s great to be able to blame somebody else because they’ve taken the first step, but introspection is bittersweet. I didn’t realise just how¬†relieved¬†I was that he did it. Because I didn’t, I hadn’t wanted the ending that I thought I did.

But I’m learning that maybe, maybe this isn’t the time for anyone new. It seems alright to learn more about the person I thought I knew. Maybe not in the same role as before, but as a friend.

A very good friend who can near predict what I think or do.

I need to feel safe again. Who doesn’t?

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