You were where it all began. Ground zero. Unexplored space. Infancy.
I collided headfirst into you and everything stopped. Everyone feels this, and everyone pretends they didn’t. For a split second, life stops. I see you, you see me; we take in each other: eyelashes, sunshine like crystal shattered in our eyes, frozen dust motes suspended in the air around us. And just as quickly, it begins again.
There were the days of stammered hi’s and hello’s; you didn’t know maroon was your colour, and I was unaware of eyeliner wingtips and MAC NC30. We gradually built our world and everything we had splashed together.
Our universe was a free spinning collection of meaningful debris: blood-red lipstick, converse trainers, braces with red bands, half-empty water bottles, vials of perfume, dreams of cars and houses and each other. Sometimes I sit and wonder about how much of my life (me!) is intertwined with yours. And I can’t find an end nor a beginning.
I kissed you and the world spun. Right then, buildings could have collapsed like smattered legos and pavements could have unstuck and twirled in the air like snakes; I wouldn’t have noticed. You were all I ever saw.
And then there were the not-so-good parts. The times when we couldn’t see through the murkiness surrounding us. We tried to decode the future but didn’t realise that the future was a trickster and lived only in our heads. Imaginary monsters made us hold our breaths; all monsters are imaginary after all, even the ones you see in the mirror.
We had become almost the same person. It was shocking to see that you didn’t think like I did. Every time a divergence would come up, we’d stuff it back inside, put a sticky note on it, promising to “come back later.” We never did and they caught up with us, like everything is apt to do. What did we think would happen?
And now I am free-falling through nothing into nothing. I can’t see the ground but I know there is nothing that stops me from splattering straight onto it. I can’t get away; everything I have has you. I had you.
I’ve finally put you to rest. Amen.